Published 5/11/15 on adoption.com Choosing to place your child for adoption is an enormous decision that you surely won’t take lightly. Are you considering making an adoption plan? If you are, these ten tips will help you select the right adoption agency for you. Having a good agency to work with will help your journey go a lot smoother. Emotional support as well as help along the way and in the future is a vital part of the process. Are you considering making an adoption plan?
It was a brisk afternoon, and we had just returned from the outlet mall where we had bought the boys new gym shoes. Our youngest son, Ezra, was running around the yard and chasing after a football. As I fondly watched on, snapping a few adorable pictures on my phone, one of my first thoughts was to share a photo with his birth mom. I remembered she had recently asked if he has started to run yet, so I switched over to video and recorded a short clip of him running across the yard. Her response was quick and full of joy. “Look at him run. I love it. It almost looks like he’s been running and walking for years!” I typed back “He’s a pro!” and her next message was when it hit me… she said “I’m so proud.”
Before starting the adoption process, did you have any idea that some people were negative toward adoption and assume all adoptions are unethical? I didn’t have a clue. I was in for an awakening when the more I tried to learn and advocate, it seemed the more flack I caught from the protesters. At first it really bothered me, now it inspires me to keep going forward in my journey. It is still hard to not take their comments, especially when directed at me, personal.
Yesterday on Twitter someone tagged me in two posts. The first one they said I was a baby snatcher or something along those lines and the second post, they said I lied to our son’s first mother about open adoptions not being legally enforceable and said I SHOULD feel guilt (referencing my recent blog entry). Obviously, this person was just trying to strike a nerve with me and has no clue what actually goes on in my adoption triad.
What things like this have you seen or been under attack for? How can we prepare ourselves for this and how can we respond in a positive manner that shows we are not baby hungry vultures?
These are questions I asked my online adoption forum. The forum I moderate is composed of men and women across the globe that are either adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents. They represent people from many types of adoption and are in different stages of their adoption process. It is nice to get a variety of views and come together for insight and solutions. It is also just a great place to know that we can talk freely and not be judged for asking questions and wanting to learn more.
Examples of how people have been attacked for their role in adoption were then brought up. One such example is that we should take the money we have saved for adoption and give it to the expecting mother in order to keep the family intact. This is unrealistic. Good in theory, but if a baby only needed a little money and the rest is history, I am sure far less women would consider adoption. The $15,000 we paid in adoption fees would not last long. Surely not 18+ years to raise that child.
The people who speak out against adoption may come across poorly. They may be hurt and angry. And although they are offensive, we can still learn from these people. Wading through the bitter words and attacks on our humanity can be difficult. Setting our ego aside and listening to the injustice they have faced in their adoption story can help us reform adoption. Do I think abolishing adoption is the answer? No. And not just because I benefited from infant adoption myself. But, because things aren’t black and white. The downside of learning from these nay sayers, is whenever I have tried to reach out to them for clarity and have a sensible conversation with them, their repeated attacks to my family are so harsh, that I give up. I have so many times told them that more people would listen if they approached the subject with more respect, instead of scare tactics. They go for the shock value in their message instead of reasoning and solutions to the problems.
So while I choose to not engage them if they are not willing to have a healthy and productive conversation, I will not dismiss their concerns either as just angry rants from bitter people. We can continue our education and fight for preservation of first families as well as rights for birth fathers, access to original birth certificates, open adoption and more.
I am so excited! I am in Chicago this week visiting my husband with the kids while he works here for one of his clients. He has been coming home on weekends, but since it’s Spring Break for Isaac, we decided to come to him and take in some of the city and things to do. I have been trying to work on the blog here and there, but with also working and my boys coming down with colds, I haven’t posted.
A couple days ago I woke up and was checking my email, as I do every morning upon waking up, and I had an email from Rodney Lear at Q102 (WKRQ Cincinnati). Mr. Lear was inviting me to be a guest on his radio show to talk about adoption! After I read the email like 4 times, forwarded it to my husband, texted my husband saying READ YOUR EMAIL NOW, I responded that I would love to participate!
The interview segment is prerecorded, so I’ll be going into the studio on Thursday, April 10th. He said he expects the interview will air on Sunday, April 13th. I am sooooo nervous and yet, so excited! Obviously adoption is something I am passionate about and I hope that this will really open some doors for people to understand adoption more!
For all you out-of-towners, don’t worry, the show is also streamed online.
Here’s the schedule for Sunday Morning Magazine with Rodney Lear
Airs Sunday April 13th: (times are EST)
7:00 a.m. on WKRQ-FM (101.9)
7:00 a.m. on WYGY-FM (97.3)
6:00 a.m. on WUBE-FM (105.1)
6 :00 a.m. on WREW-FM (94.9)
For everyone that can’t listen, I will do my best to get a link or file to upload to the blog as soon as I can after it airs. Thank you so much for your support!
It is really easy to get caught up in our own pity party when we face infertility or have set backs in adoption. We see women getting pregnant on accident, we stop watching the news because we can’t handle watching stories about abused children, we lash out at family members who are expecting a baby or complain about their kids being bad, and we cry at the sight of pregnant strangers in the grocery store. Experiencing that grief makes us desperate and sometimes with desperation we lack reasoning skills.
Adoption is an emotional roller coaster all on it’s own, but then factor in the reasons you may have come to adoption; infertility, health, relationship status, sexuality, etc, and you may have extra emotions tied to the adoption journey. While I have seen this many times lately in the adoption forums I go to, I am not going to claim I too wasn’t guilty of all the emotions that this entry is about.
Adoption isn’t easy for the expecting mother who made an adoption plan to place her child. She is doing it for her own reasons. She may struggle every day with her decision. She may feel guilt that she cannot provide her child with the life she wants. She may change her mind every day in the things she wants her child to have. She may waiver on what she wants out of the adoption relationship. But, let’s face it, it is her child. It is her decision. We have to just be willing recipients of the child with open arms. And we need to know when it’s time to walk away from a match that is not going to work.
I know it’s really hard to do, but keep in mind this isn’t about what you are or are not deserving of… but it is about her and HER child. (Of course you deserve a child, it just might not be her child!) This is a super stressful situation for you when she begins questioning things in her adoption plan or her match with you. I experienced a disrupted match because the expecting mom second guessed all her choices when it came to us. We were matched very early on and as our friendship grew, so did her need to know things about me on a personal level and on a parenting level. When an expecting mom chooses and adoptive family, she often romanticizes a life she envisions for her child as well as her future in your and her child’s life. I could not live up to her expectations and the match dissolved. It was devastating. The expecting mother may be freaking out and the emotions she is going through are no less valid than yours. Even if she is second guessing some of the choices. She may have people in her other ear telling her she should have picked a stay at home mom or someone that lives closer or in a bigger house. It my experience, the earlier in the pregnancy that she makes decisions, it seems the closer the time gets those decision start to waiver. (Obviously this isn’t the case for every early match.) I would much rather have a woman come to me with adoption as her choice and feel fully at peace, than trying to make the match happen because she thinks she’ll eventually be OK with it.
It’s really scary for us adoptive parents to go through, but we just have to accept what God gives us and remember that it isn’t another woman’s job to make us mothers. She is giving us to her child… not her child to us.
On the adoption forums I frequent, one of the big questions I often see is “What is a birth mother looking for in the letter we are writing?”. The simple answer is, everyone is different. There is no way of saying your letter is the perfect letter to be chosen by everyone. Your letter, however, may be the perfect letter for a specific expecting mother.
So let’s start of with the must haves.
First, no matter what your agency says, do not address your letter with Dear Birth Mother or Birth Parent(s). This is simply an inaccurate term to use for the woman or parents who have created an adoption plan. The correct term is Expecting Mother or Expecting Parent(s). She has not given birth yet and to call her a birth mother is reducing her to a role she may feel obligated to fulfill. Please respect that until she has given birth and placed the child, she is still an expecting mother. If you don’t want to write Dear Expecting Parent(s) as your salutation, you can always chose a simple Hi, Hello, or Howdy. She may not see the difference consciously, but starting off the relationship in a place of respect goes a long way.
Some things to include:
- Introduction: Thank her for considering you. Tell her your names and immediate information, like age and about any other children in your household.
- Body: Express your lack of understanding on how difficult her decision must be. Tell her you hope to meet her.
- Body: Elaborate on who you are. Tell her about your family, what brought you to adoption, and what your goals are in raising a child. Be positive and be yourself.
- Conclusion: Thank her again for her time, wish her luck in her journey and sign off with something positive.
- Include pictures that tell a story of your life.
- Get creative. It doesn’t have to look like a formal letter. It can include graphics, colors, pictures, bullet points, fun (yet easy to read) fonts, etc. Stick to a 8.5×11 letter, but you can use front and back.
- Proof read multiple times.
Some things to avoid:
- Salutation, as mentioned above, do not address her as birth mother or birth parent.
- Avoid any terms that are negative to adoption or imply you expect her to place her baby for adoption.
- Don’t try to appeal to every expecting mother, appeal to the one that is the right fit for you. This is a long term, open relationship, you want it to work.
- While being positive, don’t be overly flowery. Be normal.
- Don’t assume she considered abortion by thanking her for choosing life. Abortion may have crossed her mind, abortion may have been her first plan, but abortion may have never even been an option.
- Don’t be more religious than you actually are. Talk about God or religion the way you would with any day to day person. If it’s a huge part of your life, include it, otherwise, just give the basics.
- Don’t talk about your infertility in a lengthy depressing way. You can mention it in your introduction as why you came to adoption, if that is the reason, but this letter is not the time for a pity party. She has a big decision to make, don’t make her feel like she owes you a child.
- Don’t over promise and under deliver. Stick to honesty.
- Don’t pretend to know what she is going through unless you have personally placed a child for adoption.
- Don’t include out of focus, under/overexposed, low resolution, or inappropriate pictures.
Use Positive Adoption Language:
This is not just about being politically correct or sugar coating terms to make the adoption sound more romantic, it is about respecting all members of the adoption triad and having a successful relationship in an open adoption.
- Birth Mother – instead use “Expecting Mother” or “Expecting Parent(s)”.
- Give up for adoption – instead use “Place for adoption” or “Create an adoption plan”.
- Closed adoption – instead educate yourself on open adoption.
- Thank you for choosing life – instead use “Thank you for considering adoption”.
- If you reference possibly keeping their child – instead use “parent your child”.
A few days ago, on an adoption Facebook page, a moderator asked the question: “If you could change one adoption law, what would it be?”. Wow, where would I start, how could I choose just one?!?!?! I went with a general answer of “federal adoption reform laws” and then added in a few examples of lowering/standardizing adoption fees and making birth father part of the process and not a burden. This spiraled out of control by people in the “anti-adoption camp”. They accused me of saying that the birth father posed a burden to me getting my baby via adoption. This is NOT at all what I meant and luckily before I saw it a friend came to my rescue. Although the nay sayers still questioned my intent. So here it is…
In many states birth fathers have very little rights when it comes to the baby they helped create. Utah is the worst of all the states. Adoption agencies in Utah actually will pull expecting mothers from their home state to Utah and house them there (at the expense of the potential adoptive parents) to hide them away from birth fathers who are seen as someone that can interfere with the adoption plan. The right for these men to have a say in the adoption or parent their child is stripped of them. In states like mine, Ohio, things work a little differently, but recent proposed adoption laws seem to be getting more and more like Utah in my opinion.
When we matched with our first expecting mother, she lived in Indiana which is a state that allows expecting fathers to sign their rights to the child away prior to the birth. Although the father of the baby did so prior to birth, he later regretted it very much. This was a constant source of heartache and stress in our adoption match and was one of the reasons the match was not fruitful. With our second match, the one that resulted in the placement of our son, it was in Ohio and done differently. The expecting father had rights. He was involved. He was a part of the process and agreed 72 hours after birth, just like the mother. It’s not always the case in Ohio though. Ohio has something called a Putative Father Registry. In Ohio a woman is not obligated to tell a man she has become pregnant. It is said to be the man’s duty to inquire if a pregnancy resulted from intercourse. After birth in Ohio, a father has up to 30 days to register that he thinks he MAY be the father of a child born. This can disrupt the adoption and that’s not what this blog is about… this blog is about the fact that he is not required to be notified or given any opportunity to fight for his child before birth. He has to KNOW the registry even exists in order to register. Did you know about this registry?
Ohio’s new bill passed the House in January and it takes the ability for a father to register with the Putative Father Registry from 30 days down to 7 days. They are also stating that it “Establishes a pre-birth notification process modeled after the one used in Indiana to provide a mother the option to notify a putative father prior to giving birth”. I’m sorry, but why is this a legal matter? The expecting mother CAN ALREADY NOTIFY him. What this is actually saying though is that now she can ask him to sign away his rights or be forced to sign away his rights by serving him a court order as they are able to do in Indiana and other states. Don’t mistake the verbiage they are using in the bill for being pro-woman or pro-family. It solely serves the purpose of diminishing the man’s role in the adoption process because agencies see him as an obstacle to overcome so they can place the baby in a paying clients hands.
As an adoptive mother, I am NOT ok with any form of coercion when it comes to becoming a mother. If a father is not involved in the adoption plan, I don’t want it to be because he was tricked, manipulated or lied to. I am part of an adoption triad that is VERY open and is open with all family members. Not only are Ezra’s birth parents involved regularly in his life, but extended family members as well. Adoption doesn’t have to be ugly like these laws are trying to make it.
Here is more information on the Ohio Putative Father Registry Law:
A man who has sexual intercourse with a woman is on notice that if a child is born as a result and the man is the putative father, the child may be adopted without his consent pursuant to division (B) of section 3107.07 of the Revised Code.
Effective Date: 06-20-1996
The department of job and family services shall establish a putative father registry. To register, a putative father must complete a registration form prescribed under section 3107.065 of the Revised Code and submit it to the department. The registration form shall include the putative father’s name; the name of the mother of the person he claims as his child; and the address or telephone number at which he wishes to receive, pursuant to section 3107.11 of the Revised Code, notice of any petition that may be filed to adopt a minor he claims as his child.
A putative father may register at any time. For the purpose of preserving the requirement of his consent to an adoption, a putative father shall register before or not later than thirty days after the birth of the child. No fee shall be charged for registration.
On receipt of a completed registration form, the department shall indicate on the form the date of receipt and file it in the putative father registry. The department shall maintain registration forms in a manner that enables it to access a registration form using either the name of the putative father or of the mother.
Amended by 129th General AssemblyFile No.180,HB 279, §1, eff. 3/20/2013.
Effective Date: 07-01-2000
An attorney arranging a minor’s adoption, a mother , a public children services agency, a private noncustodial agency, or a private child placing agency may request at any time that the department of job and family services search the putative father registry to determine whether a man is registered as the minor’s putative father. The request shall include the mother’s name. On receipt of the request, the department shall search the registry. If the department determines that a man is registered as the minor’s putative father, it shall provide the attorney, mother, or agency a certified copy of the man’s registration form. If the department determines that no man is registered as the minor’s putative father, it shall provide the attorney, mother, or agency a certified written statement to that effect. The department shall specify in the statement the date the search request was submitted. No fee shall be charged for searching the registry.
Division (B) of section 3107.17 of the Revised Code does not apply to this section.
Amended by 129th General AssemblyFile No.180,HB 279, §1, eff. 3/20/2013.